When Ate Marianne dropped off Caleb at 10:30 a.m., I was ready.

I’d mentally prepared for battle: 16000 steps at the gym, seaweed soup to soothe my stomach, and the mindset of bring it on, I’m ready for war.

Erik Erikson says that for babies under a year old, the core developmental stage is trust vs. mistrust.

Caleb had just met me, in my apartment. A new environment, a new caregiver. And clearly, in his mind, I was suspicious.

From the start, he kept checking on me, literally turning his head every one or two minutes to make sure I was still there.

If I so much as stepped toward the bathroom or went to charge my phone, he’d cry. Loudly.

It was like living with a very cute, very needy security system.

Finally, at 7:30 p.m., after hours of constant love and affection, I could pee in peace without him crying.

It was torture. The adorable kind, but torture all the same.

I told Ate Marianne later, just be there constantly for him. If trust isn’t built now, it will show later in life. All his milestones are fine, he can sit without support, move/roll side to side, hold objects, and has strong object permanence (which, in his case, means I must be there all the time).

On feeding, I told her: stick to the schedule. If it’s every four hours, keep it every four hours. If he cries in between, give the pacifier, oral gratification without overfeeding. Overfeeding leads to colic and all sorts of trouble.

But here’s the kicker, Caleb, who usually naps 2–3 hours twice a day at their house, gave me exactly two naps. But only thirty minutes each. Then he was back up, eyes tracking me like a hawk, making sure I hadn’t abandoned him.

And no, I didn’t carry him for ten hours. He’s heavy now. Instead, we negotiated: skin-to-skin contact.

Sometimes he’d sit while I lay down, sometimes I’d sit while he lay down. As long as we touched, he was content.

The price? My freedom, my arms, and my sanity.

Hands down to all the moms, especially the ones juggling two or three jobs on top of being a single mom, or being a mom who feels single because the husband/partner doesn’t help.

If this one day nearly took me out… you’re superheroes.